You are driving down the road on the way to sports practice and the questions come out of the blue. “Where did I live before you adopted me?” or “Did I grow in your tummy?”
We are not always prepared for these kind of surprise questions. Some may think talking about adoption is overwhelming and difficult, but it doesn’t have to be. Talking with your children about their adoption can be one of the most beneficial things you can do for your child.
Here are some things to consider when talking with your children about adoption:
- Start Early – Talking with your child at a very young age, even infancy can make the language of adoption familiar to you and your child. It is important to tell them at an early age and tell them often about how they came to your family through adoption. This can be a very heart-warming story for parents to share with their child. Telling them from a young age can help you to be comfortable and at ease later on when they start to ask more complex questions. There are wonderful books available for you and your child through Tapestry Books that can help jump start conversations and teach you ways to handle the questions they may have.
- Let it Grow – As your child grows and develops your adoption story can also develop. By the time your child is preschool age they will start to ask questions similar to those above. They will begin to understand that babies come from mommies and they may have questions about where they came from. This is the perfect time to start slowly answering questions. Think about where your child is at, give them the information they are looking for but don’t push them beyond on that. As adoptive parents my husband and I always answered questions truthfully and if it lead to another question we would keep going but if our daughter skipped off happy with the answer we did not push her with more information. We let her lead the way, giving her what she was looking for but not overwhelming her. As she grew so did the information she was looking for.
- Be Open and Honest – Above all else be honest with your child. This is so important, this is the foundation of trust and respect. As it is important to be honest, it is also important to not overwhelm a child with information they are not ready to handle. If the circumstance of your child’s birth is difficult, they are not ready to hear that at a young age, but don’t make up a story just to have something to tell them. Be careful about what you tell your child, there may be times you have to say you don’t know the answer. You may need to omit information until they are adults and are ready to hear it but always be honest and open with your child as this will show them you respect their adoption story and they can trust you.
- Often with Opportunities – Keeping the subject a part of life often can provide your child with the opportunity to become comfortable and confident in their adoption story. Some children may want to talk and ask questions often, looking to you for guidance. Some children may have difficulty discussing their adoption and be fearful of approaching you with questions. Creating the opportunity to overhear you and your spouse mention their birth mother or adoption can give your child the opportunity to chime in with a comment or question. All children are different and each adoption story is unique so sharing their story often and openly can help your child understand their special place in your family.
- Other’s Awkward Questions – Because people are naturally curious they ask questions, sometimes inappropriate ones. Learning to handle these difficult situations can help teach your child how to handle them. People will often ask questions that may be too personal or uncomfortable to answer, they don’t understand that the story of your child’s adoption is your child’s life story and not everyone needs to know every detail. The joy adoption brings to a family can sometimes cloud the fact that some information should not be shared, it is important to protect your child’s story, it is their story alone. Learning to respond with general answers or redirecting the conversation away from the subject can help your child see you are respecting their privacy.
The most important thing to remember is that your child will look to you for information about their adoption and being there from the beginning lending support and guidance will help them grow to be comfortable and confident about their adoption as they become young adults. Open, honest communication is the key to building a strong parent/child relationship.
Family Connections, Inc. is a New York State authorized agency that has achieved Hague Accreditation from the Council on Accreditation. The agency provides home study services for families in New York State who are planning to adopt domestically or internationally. The agency supports families throughout New York State including in Syracuse, Cortland, Binghamton, Elmira, Rochester, Watertown, Long Island, New York City and all town in between. To learn more about the agency's services please contact Dan or Anita at 607-756-6574 or info@adoptfamilyconnections.org .
Let Us Know What You Thought about this Post.
Put your Comment Below.