You have navigated the waters of international adoption paperwork and you are finally meet your child as the adoption is finalized. This is something you have longed for and dreamt about. You envision how this meeting will be. You will see your child and approach with a smile full of joy and tears of happiness will stream down your face. Your child will be handed to you and they will fall instantly in love. Your lives will be changed forever this special day and there will be nothing else like it. Yes, these emotions will be there as you adopt your child and you will remember this day forever.
You have dreamt of and thought of this adoption day for what seems like forever. You are filled with great anticipation. You may also experience many other emotions:
- Anxiety
- Uncertainty
- Fear
- Worry
- Grief
If you are emotional think how your adopted child may be feeling. Your child is losing the only home, caregivers, food, language and country they have ever known. They are meeting someone who looks, smells and talks funny, and may even be crying. For as much joy as you are feeling, they may be feeling:
- Confused
- Frightened
- Worried
- Sad
- Anxious
- Disoriented
- Overwhelmed
- Grief stricken over the immense loss they are feeling
As an adult this moment can be emotionally difficult. For a child, this can be emotionally distressing.
Most often the first meeting and the day or two after are filled with confusing emotions and vast adjustments for you and your child. Every child experiences this first meeting differently. They may exhibit any of three different emotional responses to this life changing moment:
- Falling in love – you and your child melt into each others arms and feel instantly bonded. Although a few families have this experience, most do not.
- Fight and/or Flight– these children will cry and cannot be consoled, they will push away from you, they may even kick their feet in an effort to express their emotional unrest. These children may struggle to get away from their stressful situation and want to escape because they are overwhelmed with emotion. They may try to crawl away, push away, or wander from their new parents. They may sit away from them in an effort to avoid contact with them.
- Freeze – these children may be so distraught by the emotions of the experience that they shut down and become unresponsive emotionally. They may avoid eye contact, not respond to toys, withdraw, and even sleep most of the time.
All of these are normal coping mechanisms to a very difficult emotional situation. Each child is different and the length of time they use one of these coping mechanisms to deal with their situation will vary. An older child will typically take longer to work through their emotions and their reaction may be stronger. There are many factors that can play into the coping mechanisms your child uses:
- Age of the child
- Health of the child
- Length of time in non-family care
- Strength of the bond with the caregivers
- Personality of the child
- Temperament of the child
- Developmental abilities of the child
- Past abuse or neglect
These coping mechanism behaviors typically dissipate within 24 to 48 hours of your child being placed in your arms. You will then begin to discover your child's individual personality.
The first few moments of meeting your child and the hours following are emotionally tiring for both you and for your child. To help make this transition easier for your child, try to put yourself in your child’s place, try to understand the reasons for their emotions and respect their use of coping mechanisms whatever they may be. Take your child’s lead and listen to the cues they give you, it will help you better understand what they are feeling. A simple game of peek-a-boo, a lullaby, or even just feeding them on time and when they are hungry may be all they need to encourage them to trust in your love and care. A walk in the park, playing a game or looking at pictures in a book may be all the help they need as they work through their coping response.
Remember that one of the best ways for you to help your child is to be aware of the normal or typical transition behaviors. You will also experience a mix of emotions, and having realistic expectations of this first meeting, the days that follow and your child’s reaction will help both you and your child. Project positive feelings about your abilities and confidence in your choices regardless of your child’s reaction, choose to enjoy these special moments together. Support from family, friends and those you may be traveling with can help you cope with the emotions of this special time. Allow them to fix your meals, clean your home, whatever they can do to support you. Take lots of pictures and rest when your child is resting.
If you are interested in learning more about international adoption, Family Connections, Inc. is an authorized New York State adoption agency, who offers a full range of adoption services for dual parent and single parent households adopting internationally. We would be glad to meet with you to discuss your adoption options. You can click on the link below to request a free, no obligation consultation with adoption professionals from Family Connections, Inc.
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