Adopting my son changed my mind about open adoption. When we first looked into adopting a child we never really thought about open adoption. Years ago, when we adopted our son, it was not the way it was done. Our concerns were more about being matched with a birth mother and adopting a child. Little thought was given to open adoption because it was just starting to become more widely known. Looking back, my thoughts and feelings on this subject have grown exponentially.
At first, sharing contact information seemed the most logical thing to do. Once our son was born and we brought him home we felt guarded about the information we shared. I am not sure if this change was because we felt protective of him and feared losing him. Would she change her mind? In our state birth mother’s working with an agency have 30 days to change their mind and revoke the surrender of their child. This was probably the most difficult time of our adoption journey. What I am most thankful for is that we grew through each part of our adoption journey. Looking back, I am so grateful for the openness we were lucky enough to experience with our son’s birth mother.
For us openness was the sharing of letters and pictures twice a year until our son reached the age of 18. This sharing of milestones, accomplishments and just everyday life with his birth mother let her see what her child was doing and how his life was. It made it possible to stay connected in a way that most people would not understand. It also allowed us to express our gratitude for this amazing blessing she had given us. In the first year we met with our son's birth mother so she could see him. She eventually cancelled a meeting the day before it was to happen and then she did not ask to meet after that. When we needed to, we were able to exchange information through our adoption agency. If our son had questions we could turn to the agency, and they were able to connect with his birth mother and get us answers. This level of openness is minimal compared to what a lot of families do now.
We can only say we are grateful to have experienced an open adoption. It gave us an opportunity to gain the information to answer our son's questions. Through the openness of his birth mother and the time we shared when he was born, we were able to answer his questions as he grew older. We have always made sure his adoption story was part of everyday life. We wanted to be comfortable talking about it with him and we wanted him to feel he could talk with us. We have always been supportive of him meeting his birth mother and birth family, this is an important part of who he is.
I think one of the biggest benefits of openness is that our son could see that his adoption was something to be proud of. Openness moves adoption from the shadows of archaic thinking where adoption carries shame and secrets. I am so thankful to have grown in my thoughts and feelings about open adoption and I am glad to see what open adoption has become.
People talk about the adoption triad, the adoptive family, the birth family, and the child. Each part of this triad is important. It shows how birth parents and adoptive parents put the needs of the adopted child above their own needs. I see families today that are exchanging pictures and texts with birth mothers. Some even have private online groups to share photos and exchange information. There are even adoptive families that have visits with birth families. All of this can be so positive for the growth and development of a child’s character, identity, and self-confidence. Not every open adoption is easy, and each family's experience is different. Communication and understanding expectations are key to the adoption process being successful.
Open adoption is ever changing, and I am glad that our child was able to have this experience. When we first started this journey, I am not sure I could have said I was completely for open adoption, but I certainly kept an open mind about it for the sake of our child and I am so glad I did.
- A Thankful Adoptive Mom
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